Russiagate: A Conspiracy Theory

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Everything you wanted to know about Russiagate but weren’t stupid enough to ask.

On November 8, 2016, Vladimir Putin won the US presidential election by getting his Manchurian Candidate, Доналд Трумп, into the White House as the crowning achievement of a decades-long plan to use pee tape kompromat and real estate deals that never happened to get a reality TV star installed in the Oval Office.

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12-D chess master Putin then used that mind-controlled puppet to increase sanctions on Russia, expel dozens of Russian diplomats, sell arms to Ukraine, withdraw from the INF treaty, build up NATO troops on the Russian border, stage a coup in Venezuela, and generally make life worse for Russia as part of his grand scheme to enable the rise of a new Russian Empire.

Mind-controlling the US public with hundreds of dollars of Facebook Jesus memes, this modern-day Czar carefully rigged the election by (not) hacking into any voting systems and by (not) hacking into the DNC servers, revealing that the DNC had rigged the election against 27 Dollars and in favour of Why Aren’t I 50 Points Ahead, You Might Ask.

Luckily, the valiant US media was all over the case.

The intelligence agencies knew what to do.

And Saint Mueller was on the job commanding an army of 40 agents, 2,800 subpoenas, 500 search warrants, 500 witnesses 230 communication records and a partridge in a pear tree, so we all knew that the walls are closing in.

The media admitted that the story was mostly bullshit, but that’s OK because we’re living in a post-truth world and democracy dies in darkness.

The intelligence agencies admitted they meddle in other country’s elections, but that’s OK because  it’s “only for a good cause.”

The #Resistance spent years supporting disgraced attorneys, deranged liars and anyone else who would support their narrative, but that’s OK because votes only count when your candidate wins.

And after two years of investigation, Mueller delivered a report that brought some “troubling news . . . our president is not a Russian asset,” but that’s OK because everyone knows Trump is a Russian agent anyway, so who needs that stupid Mueller guy?

And now President Putin and his orange cheeto puppet are laughing all the way to the brink of nuclear war in the Cold War 2.0 cheered on by the neo-neocons and their neolib friends and made possible by a neo-mccarthyist purge of dissenting voices.

This is the official story of Russiagate as brought to you by the MSM that delivered the hard truths on weapons of mass destruction and Gaddafi viagra and black holes.

If you doubt any part of this story you are a no good, dirty, treasonous, alt-right Russian bot troll who deserves to be censored from the internet forever.

If you love truth, sunshine, ice cream, rainbows, kitty cats and the 4th of July then you will never question any part of this story.


This message has been brought to you by the Friends of the DNC, MSMBS, The Rachel Maddow Retirement Fund, Clinton For 2020 and the CIA.

And remember, Ignorance Is Strength!